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It’s getting harder and harder to find a good meal

In a world of parents attacking school boards over masking, election probes and gerrymandered maps, one local zombie hunts for an ounce of brains

By Lamebrain Lurker

Illustrated by Jake Phelps

Being undead ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

First we constantly deal with inaccurate stereotypes, and let me tell you, that stuff hurts.

I mean you’re reading this right? It’s not all “Dawn of the Dead” over here, think more like “Fido” meets “iZombie.”

Just because I like chowing down on gray matter doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings of my own.

We can laugh, sing, dance, love and read (the undead community strongly supports the new Green Bay City Pages by the way).

Aside from not getting a fair shake, it’s also becoming harder and harder to get a good meal.

You might think any brain is a brain, right?


If given the choice, would you reach for a Packerland Pilsner or a Bud Light?

My thoughts exactly.

Finding quality brains to eat is no easy task at the moment.

Like any muscle, the more work it gets the better it tastes. The more people use those brains, the better that gray matter goes down.

But I’m really struggling over here.

Did you hear about parents in De Pere at school board meetings? They constantly interrupt a medical expert one meeting, and the next they let some truly scary theories fly. You gotta listen to what the expert has to say and maybe you can change your mind, make it more tasty in the process. It’s not like he’s chasing you wanting to eat your brains. 

Residents follow up that showing with encouraging ivermectin, supporting conspiracy theories, and even going as far as saying masks cause teeth to fall out. If I can retain my undead molars eating brains, a mask can’t be any worse. 

It’s getting harder and harder to find a delicious bite in De Pere.

Come on humans, you aren’t really helping your cause with that. Listen to what the guy has to say and maybe you can change your mind, make it more tasty in the process.

But that night, not a delicious bite in the crowd.

If a guy has all those medical titles and affiliations from accredited places, here’s a tip, pay attention to what he has to say, it’s not like chasing you wanting to eat your brains.

Then there’s this whole election witch hunt (nothing against witches, some nice ladies, great decorators).

I’m not sure if this guy has a good morsel up there or not.

I mean he says he doesn’t know how elections work, which would indicate a lack of good chow upstairs. 

But at the same time he’s getting all the taxpayers in the state to fork out more than $675,000 so he can play detective investigating an election people in the know say was legit. Either he’s got Taco Bell for brains or a prime rib, it’s hard to tell.

I mean I didn’t dispute the fact that a steel I-beam slammed into my chest killing me. I didn’t look on Facebook for research that told me otherwise, I just kind of accepted it. I moved on.

Don’t get me started on fair maps.

How brainless do you have to be to ignore the will of the people so you can stay in office and order extravagant wastes of taxpayer dollars?

Now that I type that, maybe the party in power knows exactly what it’s doing, bending the law to suit its need while disenfranchising the working class. 

Still, if your biggest concerns are Christmas trees in the Capitol and alluding to Nazi Germany on social media, probably not much there to noosh on.

If it was possible to kill the undead, you would be doing it Green Bay, by starvation.

Do better people. We gotta eat too.

Lamebrain Lurker is a local member of the undead community. He enjoys walks on the riverfront, a good cerebral meal and avoiding getting his head cut off.

The views and opinions expressed by weekly columnists, illustrators and community members submitting letters to the editor are those of the authors and do not reflect the views of Green Bay City Pages, its advertising partners or its parent company Multimedia Channels. Editorials are clearly labeled and represent the views of the Editor who wrote the column. To submit feedback, a letter to the editor, pitch an idea for a recurring column or voice a concern, email Green Bay City Page Editor John McCracken at [email protected].

This is a satire piece written by an anonymous, verified source. It was not actually written by a zombie.

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