It can be tough to know what’s going on in your child’s world. Little kids may not have the language to name their feelings, while older kids and teens may be resistant to opening up.
Counselors recommend checking in with your children regularly. If we’re not asking, how can we really know what they’re experiencing? Plus, mental health challenges don’t discriminate by age—kids of all ages can experience anxiety and depression. About one in five children ages three to 17 in the U.S. has a mental, emotional, developmental, or behavioral disorder.
Intentionally checking in with your child doesn’t have to feel clinical. Think of these as “soft” check-ins that naturally open up conversation and help you understand what’s really happening in their daily life. Thriveworks shares the most important questions to ask by age group, plus exactly what their answers reveal about their mental health.
The questions you ask should match your child’s developmental stage. Grade school kids often respond with wide-open answers and may struggle to understand their feelings. Tweens and teens may give more vague responses, but can use more sophisticated feeling words.
Younger children are still learning how to put words to their feelings. They might feel anxious, for example, but lack the vocabulary to express that to you. The goal of these questions is to help them understand and articulate their emotions.
1. “Tell me about something you did today. Who did you hang out with at recess or sit with at lunch?”
This question is more specific than “how was your day?” which usually gets you a one-word “fine” response. Asking about recess or lunchtime helps you learn about their social interactions and provides a story that reveals the temperature of their peer relationships.
You might discover that someone is picking on them or one of their friends, which opens the door for additional questions and problem-solving together.
2. “I see you’re [crying/pushing/stomping]. Can you try to put a word to how you’re feeling?”
It’s completely normal for younger kids to have big feelings they don’t fully understand. If they’re in a happy, safe home, they often aren’t trying to hide their emotions—you see it all. As they respond, reflect back what you hear: “Wow, sounds like so-and-so really hurt your feelings.”
But resist the urge to immediately fix the problem, even though that’s what we want to do as parents. The goal is to help them experience negative emotions, ride the wave, and then check in with them again when they’ve calmed down.
3. “What do you mean when you say [you don’t want to go to school/your mind is driving]?”
Parents might want to put words in their children’s mouths, but it’s better to listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. When children mention something concerning, let them try to work through it a bit first. Then you can help them identify those feelings: “It sounds like you’re feeling anxious,” or “It sounds like it’s hard for you to focus in class.”
The advantage with older kids is that you can communicate with them on a more adult level. They don’t want to be treated like little kids, and with their improved ability to verbalize thoughts and feelings, you can have more productive conversations.
4. “What is one high and one low from your week?”
This question is helpful because it requires more description than “How was your day?” Some weeks, you’ll notice it’s easy for them to talk about something good, and other weeks, it’s easier to mention the bad. This is valuable insight into their current mental state.
It’s also a natural conversation starter that shows you’re genuinely interested in their life. If your teen mentions someone you don’t know, you can follow up with “Who’s that again?” or “Remind me what you like about them as a friend?”
5. “What happened here?” [pointing to a cut, bruise, etc.]
It’s possible that bruise is from lacrosse practice, but go ahead and ask in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory way. It’s easy for parents to avoid potentially difficult topics, but it’s worth the gentle inquiry.
If it is something concerning, you’ll probably get a deflective answer. That’s OK—it draws awareness to the issue and shows you’re paying attention.
6. “What are things that are worrying you lately?” or “You’ve seemed [sad/upset/angry] this week. I’d love to know if something happened that you want to talk about.”
Teens are smart and insightful, but remember, their brains are still developing. Their responses may seem outsized or “world is falling apart” in nature. You can use this as an opportunity to validate their feelings while helping challenge automatic thought processes.
Two examples:
7. “Who do you feel like you can talk to when things get tough?”
Parents often want to be the person their teen turns to for every problem, but there may be situations where they don’t feel they can come to you. While their answers will probably include friends, it’s also encouraging if they can name other trusted adults in their life.
8. “How are you sleeping and eating lately? Do you have headaches or stomach aches?”
Depression and anxiety often manifest through physical symptoms. Along with persistent sadness or worries, watch for fatigue, loss of energy, changes in sleeping habits (either too little or too much), and appetite changes that cause weight loss or gain.
If they answer “fine,” you can point out something specific you’ve observed: “I’ve noticed it’s harder for you to wake up for school. Can you tell me what that’s about?”
Here’s what to watch for when trying to determine if something more serious is happening with your child’s mental health:
Depending on your child’s age and personality, they may be more willing to open up and provide details. It’s a positive sign if they can express and name their emotions, point to coping strategies that help them, and identify trusted, safe people in their life.
This doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Children regularly face situations that they need help processing or that require extra attention. Sometimes there’s an active problem they’re responding to appropriately. For example, if there’s bullying at school, it would be completely normal for your child to feel sad.
You can provide support, help them work through the problem, and decide if additional people should be involved (like bringing in a teacher) if you need more information or intervention.
If you notice concerning behavior that doesn’t align with your child’s baseline, continue monitoring the situation closely. Maybe they’re usually happy-go-lucky but are now consistently down. Maybe they’re using negative self-talk like “no one likes me”—an indicator that their confidence is suffering.
Getting an evaluation from a healthcare provider like your child’s pediatrician is always worthwhile. They can help assess whether a child’s words or behaviors are a normal part of development or require further evaluation.
If your child is displaying aggression or expressing any desire to hurt themselves, these are serious warning signs requiring immediate professional help. Self-harming statements include phrases like “I want to die” or “I wish I was never born.”
Self-harming behaviors could include cutting (visible cuts or scars on their body), head-banging, punching themselves, consuming harmful substances, or intentionally trying to injure themselves in other ways.
These conversations aren’t always easy, but you can make them more comfortable and productive for your child with these strategies:
Self-harming behaviors or thoughts, substance abuse issues, overwhelming emotions they can’t cope with or control (anger, sadness, extreme worries), or panic attacks are all situations that are difficult to address at home—find professional help immediately.
Panic attack symptoms include racing heartbeat, dizziness, shortness of breath, and trembling.
Even without red flag problems, connecting your child with a therapist can be valuable if they seem reluctant to open up with you or express interest in talking to a neutral third party who’s there to support and listen to them.
Let them know it’s completely OK if they want to connect with someone who isn’t you, but reassure them that you’ll be here when they’re ready.
This story was produced by Thriveworks and reviewed and distributed by Stacker.
